tHiNkEr’S rOoM

My struggle to be”significant and articulate” continues.

Paying Tax

My sympathies are with Mr. Wesley Snipes. After spending the better part of 3 years trying to keep the taxman off his assets he will be spending the next three trying to keep the ax man off his ass. Now let’s see if just like every other rich white celebrity, he’ll be on his merry way after a couple of days after a slap on the wrist. Somehow … I don’t think so. Blade will now have mundane things like dropped soap becoming a lot less mundane.

Merus Hoyee

Looks like Kiraitu Murungi and the Njuri Ncheke must be doing something right for the Meru Community. I was amazed to see this ad on my gmail

My Man Wally

I don’t read Dilbert for Dilbert. Wally is just the guy!

The Age Of Innocence

30 years ago this comic panel would not have raised any eyebrows

Barber Shop

I earlier today cut my hair. This may seem fairly mundane to you but it is a big deal to me because the last time I cut my hair was two presidents and a prime minister, one decade and 3 elections ago, in the last millennium. Yes sir, I last sat in a barber’s seat in 1997. Vox populi has been split between disbelief and mirth, weighted heavily in the direction of the latter. I must confess since the haircut to feeling a tad lethargic.

Fuel

I’m thinking of getting a nice 21 speed mountain bike. This is Kenol Koinange Street. Kenol, BTW, consistently have the highest fuel prices in Nairobi, the greedy doofi. Only gunpoint can inspire me to fuel at a Kenol/Kobil

Bummer

Like Midnight Mugithi I find the Hummer a particularly ugly monstrosity that only a mother could love. The other day I found myself driving behind one of those eyesores. The reaction from folks can only be accurately described in film

Driving

I came across this driving school the other day while en route to visit the missus. So fascinated was I by the sign I clean missed the turnoff. It certainly looks like an interesting establishment. If only MPs would pay a visit!

Groan Of The Day

Religious women have no business making coffee. The bible clearly says Hebrews.

I have in the past expressed my concerns about the mainstream media, specifically the newspapers. When they are not sensationalizing trivial issues like what the Speaker’s Wife was wearing during a national crisis rather than focusing on real issues, many reporters betray a lethargy that verges on the comical.

Today for instance I have received a number of text messages informing me that I am in today’s standard. Many of them addressed me as Mwangi.

With some resignation I secured a Standard to find out what had been said about me and why I was being referred to as Mwangi.

Here’s the bit about me:

Mwangi of Thinker’s Room sympathized with “genuine” ODM supporters who seem to be watching their hero betray them”

The facts are as follows:
1) The Mwangi quoted there is not in fact myself. It is a comment that was left by a reader.
2) I am not, have not, and do not intend to be called Mwangi.
3) The reporter would do well next time to differentiate the sentiments of the blogger from those of the commenters. There is, you know, a difference. Now I am waiting for a deluge of threats and outrage from PNU yahoos who will finally feel that I have been exposed as an undercover ODM sympathizer (which I am not). I choose to attribute the failure to make the distinction (despite the fact that the quotes above and below mine were from the actual bloggers) to lethargy rather than a deliberate misstatement.

What I think of our two Ali Babas and their newly unveiled list of 40 thieves is best left for another day.

Kibaki & Raila: Soulja Boy Off In this …
Kalonzo & Mudavadi: Oh!
Kibaki & Raila: Watch me Lean And Watch Me …
Kalonzo & Mudavadi: Rock!
All together: Super Man Dat Oh!

Pic from East African Standard

After the storm
came the calm.
After the rain
came the shine.

After the night
came the day.
After the thunder
came the quiet.

I rose this morning,
still recalling.
And felt the sun
and its soothing calm.

I opened the door,
and saw no more,
the gloomy sky
or the reason why.

My soul will soar,
and ache no more.
Into the new day
together we sail

Our hands together,
we will forever…

Breaking news from the Government Spokesman

Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream,
merrily merrily merrily merrily

Ah … Alfred …

Sorry, sorry.

Good morning, good morning, good morning. Greetings and salutations. Walapa, walapangaz and wasadily. What’s popping. What’s cooking. What’s crackalacking. Wazzup! For those who many not know me, my name is Alfred ‘Gummi Bear’ Mutua.

I am here to announce that there is white smoke! We have a cabinet!

Principals

1. President and Head Of State: Emilio ‘Shakespeare’ Kibaki
2. Vice President & Leader Of Government Business: Stephen ‘Iscariot’ Kalozo
3. Prime Minister: Raila ‘Grab Yer Ankles’ Odinga
4. Attorney General: Amos ‘Smilin’ Wako
5. Attorney Sergeant: To be announced
6. Attorney Major: To be Announced
7. Attorney Corporal: To Be Announced
8. Plain Old Attorney: To be Announced
9. Deputy Prime Minister: Martha ‘Darth Vader’ Karua
10. Deputy Prime Minister: Musalia ‘Stranger In The Night’ Mudavadi
11. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Kiraitu ‘Harvey Dent’  Murungi
12. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Charity ‘Just Bring It’ Ngilu
13. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Sam ‘Droopy’ Ongeri
14. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: William ‘Tear Gas’ Ruto
15. Optimus Prime: To Be Announced
16. Secretary To The Cabinet: Francis ‘Dexter’ Muthaura
17. Tea Girl To The Cabinet: To be Announced
18. Tea Boy To The Cabinet: To be Announced

MINISTRIES

1. Mental Health: Lucy Kibaki
2. Internal Security: George ‘Dance 360′ Saitoti
3. External Security: Joseph ‘Shut yo’ mouth’ Nkaiserry
4. Borderline Security: Bonny ”Isikuti’ Khalwale
5. Defence: To Be Announced
6. Livestock (Water based): Mwangi ‘Tisha’ Kiunjuri
7. Livestock (Less than 4 Legs): Bifwoli ‘Tiktater’ Wakoli
8. Livestock (4 or more legs): Franklin ‘ Comeback Kid’ Bett
9. Livestock (Rodents): Robinson ‘Rat Catcher’ Githae
10. Livestock (No Legs): Stanley ‘Methuselah’ Githunguri
11. Fisheries (In Lakes): Fred ‘Australopithecus Africanus’ Gumo
12. Fisheries (In Oceans): Cyrus ‘5 Sock’ Jirongo
13. Foreign Affairs (Within Africa): Najib ‘Scimitar’ Balala
14. Foreign Affairs (Outside Africa): Moses ‘Look At My New Glasses’ Wetangula
15. Labour (Industrial): Ali ‘Petition’ Joho
16. Labour (Domestic): Lina ‘Look At Meee!’ Kilimo
17. Private Transport: To Be Announced
18. Public Transport: To Be Announced
19. Ministry Of Transport By Foot & Bicycle: Chirau ‘Koinange’ Mwakwere
20. Ministry Of Justice: Mutula ‘Quisling’ Kilonzo
21. Ministry Of Constitutional Affairs: Otieno ‘Ha ha!’ Kajwang
22. Ministry of Entertainment: Musikari ‘Piriton’ Kombo

OTHER MINISTRIES

1. Ministry of Ministries
2. Ministry of Assistant Ministries
3. Ministry
4. Ministry Of Water
5. Ministry of H20
6. Ministry of Rice & Plants We Can’t Classify
7. Ministry of Skumawiki & Green Vegetables
8. Ministry of Cabbage & Non Green Vegetables
9. Ministry of East Africa
10. Ministry of South Africa
11. Ministry of West Africa
12. Ministry of South Africa
13. Ministry of Mauritius & Other Islands We Can’t Place
14. Ministry of Sports With Balls
15. Ministry of Sports With Sticks
16. Ministry of Golf, Hockey & Sports With Balls & Sticks
17. Ministry of Sports With Neither Balls Nor Sticks
18. Ministry of Roads
19. Ministry of Streets
20. Ministry of Lanes & Footpaths
21. Backup Ministry
22. Ministry of Youth
23. Ministry of Children
24. Ministry of Toddlers
25. Ministry of Women
26. Ministry of Men
27. Ministry of Transgenders & The Otherwise Unsure
28. Ministry of Culture
29. Ministry of Music
30. Ministry of Arts
31. Ministry of Crafts
32. Ministry of Trade
33. Ministry of Industry
34. Ministry of Commerce
35. Ministry of Jobbo
36. Ministry of Housing
37. Ministry of Human Settlement
38. Ministerial Ministry
39. Ministry of Diamond Production
40. Ministry of Oil Production
41. Ministry of Tanzanite Production
42. Ministry of Winter Sports & Athletics
43. Ministry of Koalas, Tigers & Endgangered Species
44. Ministry of Ministry Creation
45. Ministry of Special Projects
46. Ministry of Plain Old Projects
47. Ministry of Miscellaneous Projects
48. Ministry of Lands
49. Ministry of Skies
50. Ministry of Sun, Moon & Stars

I am pleased to observe that each of the 90 ministries shall have 2 Assistantt Ministes so Kenyans can be assured that work will be done.

Warm Regards

Alfred Mutua

Government Spokesman

Prousette found something interesting in this weekend’s paper

Few are unfamiliar with the Fair and Lovely brand. Fewer still would be unfamiliar with their ad.

This features an unfortunate maiden, handicapped not by education, brains, wit, binocular vision or bipedal motion, but by the curse of skin that is a rich ebony. This chocolatey skin serves her during job interviews the same way a dangling rat’s tail from the side of her mouth would. She is dismissed with nary a cursory glance by the interviewers upon ascertaining she is not the complexion of the average foolscap.

On the dating scene matters are just as grim. Tall dark and handsome strangers pass her in the street as if she was simultaneously suffering from leprosy and gangrene.

Until of course an ever helpful friend gushingly tells her of a new product … Fair and Lovely.

Within weeks (says the ad, accompanied by time delay photos) our maiden’s face and hands become lighter and lighter. I assume the rest of her becomes lighter as well. We can’t have the mask and glove effect, can we?

It is only with her light skin that she is able to wow interviewers with her charm, intelligence and natural wit. A leering doofus in the next cubicle leers some more. On her way out suitors at attention line up.

Ah, what magic a little cream can do!

It would seem that men are laboring under similar yokes. They fail to get jobs, attention, dates because of their unnaturally rich chocolatey skin. This is a theorem I welcome with open arms as I find it fully consistent with my self esteem issues.

Good news my fellow brethren! Fair and Handsome is here.

Apparently men’s skin  needs to be fair because it is

• 3 times more exposed to the sun
• 5 times more exposed to pollution
• 2 times more exposed to stress factories

Let me start you off with the opening lines

Emami, in collaboration with Activor Corp, USA, herbalists and dermatologists from India has created a unique fairness cream for Men with a breakthrough Five Power Fairness System to make skin fair and handsome in 4 weeks. It also helps in relieving stress and fatigue signs - gives men’s tough skin a firmer look. Emami Fair And Handsome World’s No.1 fairness cream protects men’s face from sun’s UV Rays.

Right on!

For more fun get there and enjoy.